


Puzzle

by mari02



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Unbeta-ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-09-19 02:03:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20323288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mari02/pseuds/mari02
Summary: There have been rumors after rumors about Nishikido Ryo quitting Kanjani8 after Shibutani Subaru did. But what if he leaves before the 15sai Tokyo performances start in a way that nobody expected?





	1. Chapter 1: TORN

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anyone except the plot, of course. Also, please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

Okura doesn't want to do this. He'd rather lock himself inside his room for days until everything is over. But they have divided their tasks already, and this is what's left of him to do. He needs to get a few things from Ryo's apartment, and he needs to get it done today. If he doesn't, he wouldn't be strolling, taking all the time he can to delay the inevitable.  
  
  
  
But this is not what he expected to see when he gets inside Ryo's apartment. Everyone knows how messy his place has always been. Yet, the shoes at the genkan are sitting neatly now. The sink in the kitchen doesn't have a single plate or glass for him to wash. Hell, even the futon had been tucked away nicely in the closet. They were just in Fukuoka, sure, and in Osaka a few days before that. Ryo knew that he'd be away for quite some time. But Okura hates the thought that he cleaned his place before leaving for their tour.  
  
  
  
It's like he knew something was going to happen.  
  
  
  
Okura wants to throw up.  
  
  
  
_Ryo-chan said he was coming to my place, so I cleaned my apartment. But in the end, he didn't show up._  
  
  
  
He tries to remember the last time he was here, but he can't. He and Ryo haven't bonded in a long time, let alone visit each other's places just for fun. They used to hang out a lot when they were younger. But as the years went by, they found themselves surrounded by different sets of friends.  
  
  
  
That would have been fine. It was unspoken, but Okura and Ryo were both satisfied with seeing each other at work and still managed to enjoy each other's company. But what happens now? How will things change?  
  
  
  
Just thinking about it makes his head hurt.  
  
  
  
He walks towards Ryo's drawers to find his favorite cap when he notices a sound coming from the bathroom. He didn't realize earlier, but the lights are on. Who could it be? Does anybody else have a key to Ryo's apartment? The building manager didn't tell him that someone else was here when he got the key he just used.  
  
  
  
Okura tries to find his voice, still hoarse from last night, and calls out to whoever is inside. He's yet to have a decent sleep, and it irritates him that he's not getting any answer. But after a few moments, he hears the knob turn and watches the light disappear.  
  
  
  
Standing in front of him, he sees Ryo, clearly amused that he's here.  
  
  
  
Okura's heart stops for a moment. This can't be true.  
  
  
  
"Oi!" he hears Ryo snarls as he walks toward him. He doesn't know what to do. What is happening? Is he hallucinating? Should he run for his life?  
  
  
  
In the end, he stands still. He stands still until Ryo comes so damn close that he feels his breath.  
  
  
  
Ryo is breathing right in front of him.  
  
  
  
"How did you get inside? Are you here to bring my phone? Because I've been looking for it since I woke up, but I couldn't find the damn thing."  
  
  
  
Okura doesn't know what to do. What is he supposed to say, even?  
  
  
  
"You're staring like you've seen a ghost. That's rude, you know." Ryo turns around and reaches for his pants instead. It's still so hot in Tokyo, so he doesn't bother to get at least a sleeveless shirt. But from where's Okura's standing, he could see a large bruise on Ryo's chest that he doesn't even know if the other noticed.  
  
  
  
"Ryo-chan," he starts, not knowing what to say at all. "When did you get home?"  
  
  
  
He looks at him casually. Okura's being weird today, but he tries to think of an answer anyway. "Last night? This morning? My memory's pretty hazy. Probably had too much of a good time," he smirks.  
  
  
  
"Ryo-chan," Okura's legs are getting shaky he feels like passing out. But he tries to muster all the courage to get close to Ryo again and touch him. He feels like he's choking and it's getting harder to breathe. "You're real. You're here. I can touch you."  
  
  
  
His comments only earn him a loud "Ha?" before receiving a smack at the back of his head. But Okura doesn't mind it at all. Instead, he grabs and hugs Ryo and finally let his tears fall.  
  
  
  
As expected, Ryo tries to get away from Okura. "What the hell is wrong with you, Okura? Why are you crying, for fuck's sake?"  
  
  
  
He takes his time to let all his emotions out. All he did was cry since last night, but apparently, he hasn't run out of tears yet. Okura pinches his nose, blinks way too many times, and even slap his face to make sure that he isn't dreaming. And when he keeps seeing the man in front of him, he feels torn between telling Ryo the truth or leaving him alone to figure this out all by himself.  
  
  
  
But he can't do that. Not to Ryo. Not when he's alone in this apartment, living a day Okura doesn't even know what is. Ryo's totally clueless. So, Okura takes a deep breath and says, "Because you're not supposed to be here anymore, Ryo-chan. You're not even supposed to be real."  
  
  
  
Ryo's eyes darken as he frowns. "Are you stoned? What the fuck do you even mean?"  
  
  
  
Okura's feeling trapped between a rock and a hard place. But he suddenly thinks about Maru's Saturday Plus! So, instead of facing Ryo’s wrath, he opens the television and turns the volume up.  
  
  
  
The camera focuses on Maru alone, his eyes red and puffy. It's clear that he's crying like a baby on national television. Ryo notes that he hasn't cried like this in ages. "What the hell is happening?" he asks. But as he turns to Okura to demand answers, his vision starts to blur until everything turns dark.


	2. Banana Juice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

_Arigatou, Ryo-chan._  
  
  
Maru tries to keep calm, but his face is so red already, and the tears won't stop. He's the first among Eito who has to appear to a live show after the news about Ryo. And even though he had so many days to prepare before facing the public, talking about his friend will not be easy. Okura knows this, too. Things will never be the same again. Hell, he doesn't know how he'll be able to compose himself throughout tonight's ANN, either.  
  
  
Keeping the television on is worthless when the one who's supposed to see what Maru has to say is dead to the world. Well, Ryo is, literally. Okura still doesn't know why he's seeing his friend, why he can touch him, and why he is here, seemingly unaware of what happened to him. He knows they drunk themselves to death last night after the funeral. But it wasn't enough to make him go crazy, was it?  
  
  
He calls Yoko, who is pretty upset with him. He's made it clear to everyone that he's not visiting Ryo's apartment no matter what. It's not like he's scared. He's just not ecstatic about feeling the emptiness of the place without Ryo's presence. But somewhere between the call, Okura manages to get a "Calm down. I'm coming," as a response as he mumbles his words through the phone.  
  
  
Yoko's coming. Someone else is going to validate if he's gone crazy or what. He feels like calling Hina, too. He's been the calmest among them, after all. He always keeps the group together when it's getting too chaotic. But Okura can't find the energy to call him now.  
  
  
He's just going to wait for Yoko. After all, he doesn't want to be a laughing stock if the others find out about his hallucination.  
  
  
He stares at Ryo again. It seems like he's having a nightmare, judging by the frown on his forehead. And Okura may not notice it, but his mirroring Ryo's look, only that he's frowning not because of a nightmare.  
  
  
It's because, at the back of his mind, he knows that this is his reality.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Yoko rings the bell and gives Okura an annoyed look once the door opens. He's ready with all the words he wants to say to nag him until he finds a familiar face starting at him.  
  
  
"You've got to be kidding me."  
  
  
Okura takes Yoko's shoulders to face him, but the other turns around to Ryo's direction once again. "So, you see him, too? I am not going crazy?" Yoko hears Okura's question, but he doesn't bother to look back. Instead, he shakes his head as he slowly approaches Ryo. The other's staring at him, glaring like a hawk in the night. But the bell rings again, and Ryo jumps from the sofa to run towards the door.  
  
  
Luckily, Okura beats Ryo into opening the door, hoping that whoever is outside won't see him. But apparently, they don't have to worry about that at all. "There's a package delivered at the lobby for Nishikido-san. I guess I should give it now since you're both here." Ryo tries to get the package which almost shocks the building personnel, but Yoko reaches out and takes it by both of his hands as well.  
  
  
"It's mine!" Ryo shouts at his senior but immediately shuts up when he hears the man say "I'm really sorry for your loss. Nishikido-san was very kind to us here."  
  
  
Ryo faces the man and waves his hand. He doesn't get any reaction from him as he only looks at Yoko and Okura. "You're playing along, I see," he says with a frown. He really doesn't understand the point of this prank. And everyone thought he's one of the clever ones.  
  
  
"Thanks," Okura butts in and closes the door behind them. He looks at Yoko and pleads for him to help him out. They both know that Ryo's angry— probably more than he lets on. He's spent the last hour trying to figure out how to make him accept something that he refuses to believe.  
  
  
Ryo's always been the most stubborn of them all. But this is different.  
  
  
"Dokkun," Yoko hands out the package to Ryo, and he opens it right away, hoping to distract himself from this mess. He is angry, alright. But Ryo also doesn't want to let Yokoyama-kun and Okura feel like they're winning this game. For sure, the rest of Kanjani8 is now in front of a television, watching this whole thing as well, mocking him and laughing non-stop about how he's reacting to this prank. Ryo never thought that it'd be his turn to be a target for a dokkiri. He can't believe this.  
  
  
Where are the cameras, anyway?  
  
  
"Dokkun," Yoko repeats his name, but he doesn't respond. He's finally unboxed the package and saw the tire repair kit he ordered online to fix his car. He decides to work on it and leave these two, but Yoko puts his hands on his shoulder, and that's when he can't take it anymore.  
  
  
He drops the repair kit and punches Yoko, causing him to stumble and lose his balance. "Do you think this is funny? You're making a dokkiri out of this, right? Well, I'll tell you what. This is not funny at all, so I say stop this now, or I'll quit this band and leave you all like all the tabloids say about me all the fucking time!" Okura's behind Ryo now, struggling to stop him from throwing more punches at Yoko.  
  
  
"Then quit!" Yoko shouts, and Ryo seems taken aback. "I wish you just quit, but you didn't! How long have you been here, even? We buried you yesterday, Dokkun! This is not a dokkiri! Would we even film a fucking dokkiri in your apartment?"  
  
  
All three men are crying now, and no one even bothers to hide it. Okura places himself in between Yoko and Ryo. He really should have called Hina instead. Yoko can't handle this. He's just Ryo's scapegoat to delay what they have to talk about and what he needs to understand.  
  
  
"Ryo-chan, do you know what day it is?" Okura asks tentatively. He looks at him and says August 6.  
  
  
But it is August 10 today. Has Ryo been waking up alone on repeat for five days already?  
  
  
Of course, Yoko has to correct Ryo, frustration winning instead of figuring this whole thing out all together. But what surprises Okura is Ryo's response.  
  
  
"Please stop this," he pleads. "I'll do anything you want for the damn DVD, but stop this." Ryo drops to the floor.  
  
  
The whole apartment is now silent, save for their sniffles. Ryo gets a hold of Okura's phone and dials Yasu's number. Yasu is his friend. He never lies.  
  
  
"Moshi moshi!" he hears Yasu's voice, and he feels relieved. He speaks his friend's name only to listen to him ask for Okura, wondering if he's doing okay at Ryo's home. He says again that he wants this over, but Yasu doesn't budge. He does not hear a single thing he says.  
  
  
After a few moments, Yasu's close to ending the call already. But, Okura takes the phone from Ryo and talks to him as he walks away instead.  
  
  
When Ryo feels Yoko's hands on his shoulders again, squeezing it gently, he looks up and says, "I’m trying, I swear. But I don’t even remember anything at all, Yokoyama-kun."


	3. Beast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

Ryo's not one to shut up quickly, but he's out of words now. He definitely remembers waking up early today because of a pounding headache. But he doesn't have any recollection of what happened before he went to bed. He knows that they flew back to Tokyo from Fukuoka Monday morning, so it should just be Tuesday, right? But Yoko and Okura both say he's wrong. They tell him, as carefully as possible, that yes, they all flew back to Tokyo Monday morning to shoot something as a group. But it's not really Tuesday today. And he wasn't even able to go home after they filmed.  
  
  
Ryo's head hurts as he listens to Yoko's now soft voice.  
  
  
_They finished pretty late that Monday night. But everyone's still tired from their latest concert that they all rushed to go home except Ryo. He tried to invite them for a quick dinner. And as usual, nobody paid attention to him. He's used to it, though. It's just that it would have been nice if he didn't have to have ramen alone._  
  
  
_ He didn't stay long. After about twenty minutes, he got out of the ramen shop and hailed the first taxi he saw. Ryo settled and was starting to get sleepy until he heard a loud noise. When he opened his eyes, the lights of the car in front of them blinded him, and he couldn't even figure out if they're on the wrong lane or not._  
  
  
_ He feels a sudden pressure, and then everything went dark._  
  
  
Here he is now.  
  
  
"It was a head-on collision. The cab driver slept on the wheel," Yoko explains as Ryo tries to process what he just remembered. They're all silent for a moment until he asks how's the other car. When Okura says that nobody survived and that there were children at the backseat, he can't help but throw the nearest thing his hand could get a hold of— in this case, one of his precious guitars.  
  
  
As they try to calm him down, Yoko thinks aloud and asks how come Ryo's here. How come they can see him when other people can't. Does this mean that the rest of Kanjani8 will get to see him again? It's not like he's not weirded out by all this. It is on another level of weird, even for them. But if this means extended time with Ryo, Yoko will take it as long as he is on board.  
  
  
Okura's talked to Yasu already, and he said that he's coming as soon as his therapy finishes. "I should call Maru and Murakami-kun, too," he mutters, not earning any response from the other two. If Ryo doesn't protest, maybe he doesn't mind seeing them, too.  
  
  
"I want to see my family," Ryo says finally. The other two look at each other, feeling quite uneasy. But Okura placates Ryo and tells him he'll call Maru to try to take them to Tokyo with him.  
  
  
Ryo nods before retreating to himself. He's trying to figure out how he's been spending the last five days before Okura came into his apartment. He wonders if he'd been doing the same thing every day— waking up with a headache, finding out that his phone is missing, taking a shower, and then what?  
  
  
The more he tries to remember, the more he realizes how absurd this situation is. He is dead. He knows that now. But why does he have to stay and linger here to solve this whole thing like a puzzle?  
  
  
Why is he still here? Why can't he just go and die in peace?  
  
  
***  
  
  
Hina promised himself that he'd always keep his calm through all of this. He's the first one to arrive at the hospital after all. Among the members, Ryo's family and friends, he's the first one to see him. No matter how hard he tries, he can't erase the picture of Ryo's body, covered in blood, in his head. He was there when the doctor declared the time of death. At one point, he lost his cool and demanded them to try to revive one more time.  
  
  
But nothing could be done anymore.  
  
  
When everyone else has arrived, he has already wiped his tears. Everyone's a mess, so he tried his best to tone down the commotion. Who needs a bunch of men crying their hearts out outside the emergency room, anyway? He was sure that the media's going to have a field day.  
  
  
He wasn't wrong. Their faces were all over the tabloids the next day. So much for respecting this trying time.  
  
  
When he enters Ryo's place, he feels like seeing a 13-year old Ryo instead of the grown man he's become. He remembers how everyone found him cute, he included. He remembers how his clothes were too big for him. Or how he clashed with anyone who gets in his way. How he always did his best, not complaining even when things got hard.  
  
  
One can tell that Ryo is a lot of things, but Hina has always had a soft spot for him. That's probably why he's nervous as hell to see him like this. That's probably why instead of getting scared, he runs up to Ryo and hugs him so tight even he can barely breathe.  
  
  
"You're real. They weren't lying," Hina says, noting the large bruise under Ryo's V-neck shirt that Okura told him about over the phone. He inspects Ryo and tries to check if he had any other injury or wound. Like it would still matter if he's hurting or not, "How come?"  
  
  
Ryo shakes his head. They still haven't figured out that part yet. "They say you were in a meeting at the agency?" he asks, trying to change the topic because he's getting fed up of this whole "why am I still here" thing already.  
  
  
"Yeah," Hina hesitates. Why did they have to tell Ryo that? He can't lie in front of him. He'll know he's lying for sure. "They're pressuring us to make an announcement about the rest of the concerts."  
  
  
Nobody dares to speak to that. A member of Kanjani8 had just died, but business is business. The agency will have to return all the money if the group won't do the rest of the shows. It's even moree impossible given all the expenses that they have already incurred. So, no matter what, the show must go on.  
  
  
"I didn't even finish the concert, huh," Ryo's voice is quiet, but it's loud enough to send its message to the other three.  
  
  
"I think it's best not to continue with the concert anymore, you know? I don't want to do it. Nobody wants to do it, Ryo. Everyone completely disagrees to the agency's plans," Hina assures Ryo, and that earns him a small smile from the boy.  
  
  
"You and me both know that the decision is not really up to you guys, Murakami-kun. Okura literally bailed on us for an emergency operation two seconds before the concert began, and we still had to go and shit ourselves onstage."  
  
  
"But this is different!" Okura shouts. It's the first time he's let his emotions get the better of him since he arrived.  
  
  
"Yeah, it is." Ryo laughs, "Because apparently, I'm dead for good, and you still have three weeks left to get used to it."


	4. Petite Smile Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

Okura, Yoko, and Hina, all sit on the sofa, looking defeated. No one bothered to come after Ryo when he decided to lock himself inside his room. Everyone knows that he needs space. Until when that is — they still don't know. But if Ryo remembers nothing in between the accident and waking up today, they think it doesn't mean anything now.  
  
  
"What happened to your face, anyway?" Hina asks amused to see Yoko curing his cheek with an ice pack. Okura explains how Ryo thought this was for a dokkiri. Yoko's the notorious prankster of the group, and Hina isn't surprised that he took the fall for the situation. Knowing Ryo, he needed someone to blame. And Yoko's the most convenient.  
  
  
Hina taps Yoko's back gently, "You'll be alright. We need to be more patient with him now." Yoko nods. He doesn't mind this anyway. Although, for a ghost, Ryo sure punches very well. It feels odd to call Ryo like that. But that's what he is right now, isn't he?  
  
  
"It feels weird, you know," Okura speaks. "This is weird, seeing him alive as if nothing happened. But what are we going to do? Do we find a way to send him where he's supposed to be? Are we even going to tell the others aside from his family?"  
  
  
They all look down on the floor, sharing the same feeling of shame. As if the group hadn't had enough obstacles to face last year already. Just when they're starting to pick themselves up again, celebrating such a milestone of their career, this happened. But now that Ryo's here. Would it be selfish if they all want to keep him? No words are needed. But don't they secretly wish that it's just them who can see him?  
  
  
_Just a little longer._  
  
  
"I'll go with whatever Ryo wants," Hina says. "We owe him that." He didn't say why or what they owe Ryo him for but it's loud and clear. All of them still think about how things would probably have turned differently if at least one person went to have Ramen with him that Monday night.  
  
  
But it won't change anything anymore. Would it?  
  
  
They can't turn back the time.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Maru has always been a welcome guest to the Nishikido household. After all, he and Ryo used to go to the same high school. And if being a member of the group their son is in is not enough, he sure knows that Okura's call would be enough for them to let him in.  
  
  
He tried so hard to explain how Okura is never the type to talk non-sense unlike him. He tells them that Yoko was already there, too. They even called Hina to confirm. But in the end, he got thrown away as Ryo's father screams at him to never show his face in front of him again.  
  
  
He knows they are all hurting. And Ryo showing up in his apartment just a day after they all buried him is just as ridiculous as it sounds. But a part of him is looking forward to arriving in Tokyo and seeing his friend. Just as he said on Saturday Plus, Ryo was a great friend. They have been together for so long that he couldn't really imagine living in a world without him. All the members have been his constant over the years. And while he knows that nothing lasts forever, he was still hoping for the best.  
  
  
But Ryo's gone too soon.  
  
  
"Maruyama-kun," he goes back to reality when he hears Ryo's mom call his name. "I'd like to come with you," she says, eyes all teary.  
  
  
He nods, happy to know that he doesn't have to face Ryo alone. That he won't get scolded for not doing that one job he had to do.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Ryo's mother has a key to her son's apartment, so they didn't have to ring the bell. The moment they entered the genkan, all three men rushed to welcome them. Maru tiptoes to check where Ryo is but to no avail; he can't see anyone else.  
  
  
"He's inside his room," Hina whispers and leads Ryo's mother to the room. She knocks first, and the guys hear Ryo scream, "Go away!" Maru thinks her hearing is just impaired, but asking, "Is he really here?" just after he spoke seems pretty strange.  
  
  
Confused, Yoko opens the door for her and Maru finally takes a peek of Ryo's frame. "Ryo-chan!" he calls. Ryo turns and realizes their presence. Immediately, he runs towards his mother to try and hug her only see her as surprised as he is.  
  
  
"Ryo?" she calls out, clearly not knowing where to look even though he's just right in front of her. "Why can't I see you?"  
  
  
Ryo takes a step back and looks at the guys. "Okasan," he utters in disbelief. "You can't not see me when they can. That's just unfair."  
  
  
"Where is he?" his mother looks at Maru and he tells her that Ryo's just right there. "Are you making fun of me? I believed in you!" She's crying now. While she and Maru didn't talk the whole time they were traveling, he knew that coming with him meant that she was hoping to see her son, too.  
  
  
But why can't she see Ryo?  
  
  
"Okasan, I'm here," Ryo puts his hand on his mother's shoulder, but she shrugs it off. She definitely feels his touch, but why can't she see him? Why can't she even hear him?  
  
  
The four guys suddenly feel like intruders. But how can they leave when Ryo can't even communicate with his mother? "He's right there," Hina explains, "His hand is on your shoulder. Here," he tries so hard. He does whatever he can until he sees both mother and son in tears out of frustration.  
  
  
"Why is it like this? What's wrong with me?"  
  
  
Maru felt so damn happy instead of scared when he got Okura's call. But seeing all this, he can't help but feel ashamed. Is it really a gift that they can see him when Ryo's loved ones can't?  
  
  
***  
  
  
In the end, Hina took over and closed the door behind them to console both Ryo and his mother. Maru doesn't know how long they waited, but when the door opened again, they could only see Hina and Ryo's mother. "Yoko, come with us to the station? Nishikido-san wants to go back to Osaka by tonight."  
  
  
Maru notes how puffy their eyes are. Hina can't even look back but continues to walk across the room. When he asks Ryo's mother if she'll be okay, she only nods. It's as if life also left her body that she can't bear to speak another word anymore.  
  
  
Okura and Maru send the three off silently. But when Maru looks back, he sees Ryo staring. For a second, their eyes met.  
  
  
Ryo's the first one to break contact before closing the door once more.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Tonight's ANN is not until late in the evening, but Okura needs to get to work earlier for a meeting. He's been debating with himself all day if he's leaving them when Yasu hasn't even arrived. But the manager's calling him now. And they've decided not to tell anyone about their discovery just yet. He doesn't feel like leaving Ryo at this time, but how can he explain his absence otherwise?  
  
  
"Just go," Maru says. Okura didn't realize that the other man's been observing him. But there's nothing else to do here, is there? "I'll go watch over Ryo-chan. Yoko and Hina should be here soon, anyway. I can handle some alone time with him. I missed him, after all," Maru says with a smile.  
  
  
But they both know that it's so fake even a dentist would hate to see his shiny white teeth.  
  
  
***  
  
  
An hour in but Yoko and Hina are still nowhere in sight. Yasu must be on his way now, too. So, Maru decides to check on Ryo's kitchen and make something edible for everyone. To no avail, the fridge and pantry are both empty except for questionable supplies of milk and canned pineapples. Maru takes another look at Ryo's door.  
  
  
What would Ryo want right now?  
  
  
"Ryo-chan?" he tries to make his voice sound as normal as possible. "What would you like for dinner?"  
  
  
Maru doesn't get any reply, so he knocks once and opens the door of Ryo's bedroom. He's sitting on his desk, writing down something Maru obviously can't see from where he stands. "I was thinking of ordering something for dinner. Do you want anything?" he asks. Ryo looks up to him as if he's the one who just saw a ghost. He stares at Maru for a long time before his eyes turn dark.  
  
  
"Is this one of your gags or what?" he asks.  
  
  
Maru's eyes narrow. He doesn't get what seemed to upset Ryo.  
  
  
"No?"  
  
  
"So, you honestly think that I could eat at this state? I haven't even felt the need to drink water all day, Maru. Stop fucking around."  
  
  
Honest. Maru hasn't thought about that. Maybe it's him still being completely in denial that Ryo's gone that he believes that this is just the usual. That somehow, he just ended up babysitting him in his apartment and that he needs to take care of the food as Ryo writes a song without him knowing.  
  
  
Maybe he's just secretly hoping that this is only a part of a show where they're forced to do something that they don't even want to do.  
  
  
But it's not.  
  
  
He apologizes, but Ryo doesn't bother replying. He's so absorbed in what he's doing. Maru takes this opportunity to take a look at what's inside his room. He sees how Ryo doesn't really have a lot of things except for the essentials. He's never really been here before after all.  
  
  
It's so quiet. Maru finds it strange for Ryo to be this quiet, especially in his natural habitat. So, he decides to try to lift the mood a bit. "Isn't it nice though, Ryo-chan? That you're still, here. We can still hang out and do all the things we didn't get to do before. I'm thrilled to see you again, Ryo-chan."  
  
  
He's earnest. On the way here, Maru was thinking about all the things he could do with Ryo and the others. It's been a while since they even had dinner together as a group. And it pained him to know that it's never going to happen again. So, no matter how absurd this situation is, he can't help but feel glad about Ryo being here.  
  
  
Just focus on the good things, right?  
  
  
But while he's happy, Ryo's thinking about so many ways he could do to kill Maru. "Are you stupid!" he throws a punch. Apparently, throwing punches makes him feel good. "You think this is nice? Don't you find this ridiculous? That I'm stuck here to deal with your stupid ass and stupid gags, but my mother can't even see me? I don't exactly know what I want right now, but I sure don't want to be dead!"  
  
  
Maru is taken aback. He didn't mean to, but he'd been so selfish all along. If they all had been trying to find their ways into grieving. What about Ryo?  
  
  
"I don't even want to see you right now, Maru. You're so fucking annoying." Ryo's words always sting. But Maru knows that he usually doesn't mean to hurt others. Right now, though? He's not sure. Clearly, Ryo's just trying to take this all in. And he's having such a hard time trying to let the idea of him being gone sink in.  
  
  
But how are they even supposed to help him out?  
  
  
Maru's lost in his thoughts again until he realizes that Ryo's left the room, now heading towards the door. "Where are you going?" he runs after him. Ryo doesn't answer him but opens the door and leaves instead.  
  
  
"No, Ryo-chan, wait! They told us not to leave!"  
  
  
Ryo runs to the elevator but Maru's close to catching up to him, so he takes the fire exit instead. He's just living on the fourth floor. It'll be easy to get away from Maru. But suddenly, he feels so weak that he has to stop moving. His vision blurs, and he feels dizzy. He hears a distant voice. It's Maru's, asking him if he's okay.  
  
  
He's not.  
  
  
"Holdon, Ryo-chan. Hold on. I'm calling Yoko and Hina," Maru fumbles through his pocket to get his phone. Ryo looks like he's about to pass out, but he's trying to keep his eyes open. He doesn't even waver when Maru takes his hand and squeezes it. "They're coming soon, alright."  
  
  
Ryo's not sure how long they've been waiting for Yoko and Hina already. But he can hear Maru talking, voice soft yet serious.  
  
  
"I'm sorry, Ryo-chan. I know this is hard on you. But we'll figure this out together, okay? You may be stuck with us now, but I won't leave you, anyway."  
  
  
Ryo's not aware at all, but he nods at Maru before he drifts to sleep.


	5. Ice Cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

Yasu is the weird kid, as Ryo and the rest of the guys would always say. But even though his level of craziness is far from Maru, everyone sees how good-hearted he is. They'd always say how thoughtful he is. How he immediately notices when someone's feeling down. Maybe it's because of his upbringing. But he likes being the first one to know when something is wrong with any of his friends.

That's why he hates himself that he couldn't go to Ryo's apartment the moment he heard from Okura.

But now, he's here, looking after Ryo's sleeping form. He's never been so glad to see the furrows in his eyebrows. Ryo's always been the short-tempered guy who'd yell at anyone who pisses him off. But he's also the kindest. Maybe he's not as well-mannered as he's supposed to be as an idol. But just as Okura said before, he's the most human among all of them.

A few moments later, he notices Ryo stir and slowly opens his eyes. "Welcome back," Yasu's smile is so wide he feels his jaw hurting. "So, I heard you've been throwing punches around."

Ryo sits up but doesn't look into Yasu's eyes. "I'm sorry, I couldn't come sooner. You know, therapy and stuff," he adds.

"It's fine," Ryo's voice is quiet. Far from the angry person he expected to see. Based on the other's stories, Ryo hasn't done anything so far aside from yell and cry. And right now, he can't tell if he's about to see him shed tears.

"Maru's feeling guilty for the things he said earlier. He didn't tell me what it was, but he said he's sorry. You know he only means well, right?"

Ryo's not sure if it's just Yasu's way with words. But he doesn't mind it when he's the one who tries to talk some sense into him. Right now, he's in the middle of scolding minus the yelling part. He knows that. And most likely, Yasu knows that, too. So, he only nods.

"Okura says you have this large bruise in your chest?"

He lets him see it. It's starting to turn purple, but some parts of it are still green. It should hurt, but he doesn't feel anything. His head is the only thing that's been bothering him since he woke up. When he punched Yoko and Maru, he only felt relief and nothing else. He tells this to Yasu, which makes the other think deeply. "That bruise could be from the seatbelt? Or the defibrillator?"

Ryo smiles and Yasu asks why.

"Nothing. I can't believe that I kicked the bucket before you," Ryo says and regrets it right after. "But it's not like I wanted you to die or anything! I didn't mean it that way!"

Yasu's glad that Ryo's no filter attitude is still there.

"It's fine. You're pretty competitive yourself, after all," Yasu says, not minding what he just said at all. When Ryo fails to respond, Yasu taps his shoulder and asks him if he's alright.

Ryo feels guilty for snapping at Maru when he's just trying to be as nice as Yasu is now. He can't explain it himself, but maybe, it's because Yasu always seems to see right through him. He knows Yasu never lies. But Ryo can't lie to him either.

"We've been trying to figure out all day why I am still here, you know. Because apparently, I've been dead for five days already, but I only remember the time of accident and today. I've got this bruise which may or may not be from the accident. It doesn't hurt, like when I did a number on Maru and Yokoyama-kun. But my head is killing me. You guys can't see me but my mother can't. And now, I can't even leave my house? What's that about, Yasu? I didn't sign up for this. If I'm supposed to die, why am I still here? It's not like I can still come back from the dead because I'm all ashes now."

Yasu stays silent for a while.

"But to be fair, you also collapsed inside the house when Okura first saw you, right?"

Ryo looks down. He's right.

"But I'm curious about what happened between the accident and you showing up here. Because Okura's the first person to visit this place, you know? Everybody went back to Osaka until yesterday. And if you can't remember anything. It means that what happened today was just a loop of you waking up, trying to find your phone and showering?"

Ryo's eyes widen at that. That's just plain boring. Worse than dying if you ask him.

"And above all that… it's bizarre that only we can see you while others can't. This may be a Kanjani8 thing. What do you think?

"Probably."

"You don't mind me letting Subaru know about this, do you?" Yasu asks, and Ryo tries to think about it for a moment. He hasn't seen Subaru in ages. They're both busy because of their concerts and Subaru's new album. He can't even remember the last time they sent messages to each other even though he's aware that he's been in constant communication with the others, especially the elder ones.

"Ryo-chan?"

He shrugs. Honestly, he doesn't mind. Maybe the more people they are as a group, the easier it would be to figure this out. But when they do, he wonders if he'd be ready to leave. He wasn't prepared to die, but it happened anyway. How about now?

"It's fine."

Yasu smiles and tells him that he'll call Subaru later to ask him to come here, too. Then he picks up two of Ryo's guitars and gives one of them to him. "Now, I need you to listen to this new song I wrote. It's not finished yet, but I always thought you have to be the first one to hear it!"

Ryo knows what's Yasu's doing. He's trying to calm him down, and it's working. He remembers all the time Yasu's helped him out. He found it weird for him to take his number, but it helped the agency to contact him since he miswrote his information. Yasu was also the one he called when he felt like quitting Johnny's many years ago. They may not be the best of friends, but he knows that he wouldn't live the life he did if they didn't meet.

"What are you staring at for?" Yasu asks.

"I just realized that I never said thank you, you know. For all the things you've done for me. And thanks for coming today, too. I don't know if I could get through the day without punching those guys outside. They are all nuts."

Yasu stops strumming. "Who are you, and what did you do to our Ryo-chan? Why are you going all soft on me now?"

Ryo glares.

"Well, at least that tumor didn't transform me into a brainless dumbfuck, you know," Yasu says. But when Ryo frowns again, he bites back, "I'm just kidding."

"What's the title of the song?"

Ryo doesn't know this, but Yasu has just been trying to hold it together, too. He started this song a few days ago when he couldn't sleep in between their Osaka performances. But he dropped it when they were in Fukuoka. Then, things happened.

"I'm not shitting you, alright," he explains it to Ryo as he unfolds a piece of paper.

Written at the top of the page says "Goodbye."


	6. Car 9 Row 2 Seat A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

Subaru's on his way to Tokyo now. He's supposed to take the plane two days later for a series of meetings for his debut as a solo artist. But after taking Yasu's call, he knows he can't wait for days and decides to take the shinkansen. He'll probably arrive at Ryo's apartment just a little before midnight, but he doesn't care.  
  
  
This time, he feels like getting seat 2A at car number 9. It's their song, after all. They didn't include it on the DVD. But at least, they got to perform it together in front of a live audience. Until now, he still finds himself strumming the chords when he holds an acoustic guitar. It's one of his all-time favorites. But he never even got to tell Ryo that.  
  
  
He remembers how they used to exchange their green car tickets to ordinary so that they could get more money for food. Those were the days. They were so poor; some of them had to do double jobs to get by. But their lives are so different now. After years and years of working their asses off, things finally paid off. Kanjani8 has gotten pretty big— bigger than they've ever imagined. Subaru may have left the group to pursue his dreams. But he wouldn't trade his time with Eito for the world. Those years were full of music, laughter, even fights that he'd never forget. Kanjani8 members were never perfect, but he loves them so much it hurts.  
  
  
Truth be told, he doesn't know if he's going to see Ryo given that his family didn't. And after all, he's out of the group already, isn't he? But Yasu said that Ryo doesn't mind him coming so he's taking his chance. It's been a while since he's seen them, save for their short interaction at the funeral. He and Ryo's paths have never crossed since the farewell party they threw for him. So, if this is going to be the last time, he doesn't want to miss it.  
  
  
***  
  
  
When he arrives at Ryo's doorstep, he's sweating buckets. He tries to blame it on the summer season. But deep inside, he knows that it's not the reason. He's nervous.  
  
  
Will he really see Ryo again?  
  
  
"They're pretty busy in the studio," Yoko says to him, clearly exhausted. He looks like he's trying so hard to stay awake. The rest of the guys except for Yasu and Ryo are hanging out in the living room. They exchange glances before he heads to Ryo's music room.  
  
  
It's Ryo's small back that he sees first. He doesn't realize that he's been holding his breath until he confirms that there are two moving figures in front of him. Ryo and Yasu are facing each other, their guitars so close like when they hold concerts. "New song?" Subaru interrupts. This makes Ryo turn around as Yasu smiles and stands up.  
  
  
"Yeah. Yasu wrote it," Ryo says the same time Yasu says "It's a secret," with a wink.  
  
  
There's an awkward silence after Yasu leaves the room. Nothing new. If he and Ryo got through filming Janiben completely forgetting that it's a TV show where they were supposed to talk, it wouldn't be a surprise that their real-life meetings won't be anything but this. Subaru's fidgeting. It's been so long since he and Ryo were in the same room. His last days with the members were so intense that he doesn't even remember if they were able to talk properly.  
  
  
He still reads the e-mail Ryo sent to him after Kanjam, though. It gives him strength when he's finding it hard to make music alone. He also finds comfort in the message, knowing that Ryo took the initiative to lead the group. He's always had faith in that boy. He's a hard worker, probably more than the rest of the members. So, he knew that they'd be alright.  
  
  
Ryo said, "I'll lead the group from now on." But "from now on" didn't last that long.  
  
  
It's so unfair.  
  
  
"So, it looks like I won't be able to fulfill that promise you spoiled on your JWEb huh, Subaru-kun? Kanjani8's going to have a hard time explaining to new fans what's up with the eight when there are only five members now."  
  
  
Subaru laughs. Ryo and his constant worry about work. Fine, he's guilty of thinking about the group, too. But not precisely about how they're going to move forward from this. For sure, Hina or Yoko has already thought about talking to the management for a hiatus, or worse, disbandment. But Ryo shouldn't have to know that. And he should be the last among everyone to suggest the thought to him. All of the guys have been working so hard for the past year. They've been so strong he finds it hard to believe they won't be able to overcome this.  
  
  
Not even if they'd feel like giving up.  
  
  
"Guess Yoko has to learn how to play the guitar now and give up his beloved bongos," Subaru decides to humor Ryo which earns him a small smile, at least for three seconds.  
  
  
Then he goes so silent that Subaru thinks time stopped for a moment.  
  
  
"I just really hope they would continue without me; you know? I feel like they're not interested in doing the rest of the tour anymore and that's just sad. We all worked hard for this," Ryo finally looks at him, eyes glistening.  
  
  
He sees right through him. He knows that Ryo's having a hard time dealing with anger and acceptance all at once. But he tries anyway.  
  
  
Because there's no other option, is there?


	7. Blue Pictures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

It's funny how this looks just like the old days when they have their meetings for a new album, for a title of a song, or for whatever ridiculous stuff they have to do for their units. Except that there's no camera filming them right now. There's no filter. They can talk about anything under the sun.

Or they can talk about the elephant in the room, which is Ryo's presence.

"Are there any rituals that we didn't do? Your family's pretty traditional, Ryo-chan, aren't they? They couldn't have possibly missed something." Maru asks. If he's trying to lighten the mood or he's just his airhead self, nobody knows. But at least, no one dares to smack his head— not even Hina.

Ryo shrugs. How could he know? It's not like he watched as his soul left his body. He doesn't know anything. But…

"Maybe the reason why you guys can see me is that I've literally spent more than half of my life with you all. More than anyone else. Even more than my own family?"

He's right. They have known each other since he's 13. When he left Osaka and lived in a dorm in Tokyo, Yokoyama-kun was the one who took care of him. He even treated him for his birthday once and spent one whole night taking care of his sick ass while Murakami-kun's in the next room playing video games. Just a few years later, they formed Kanjani8. They literally visited all 47 prefectures of Japan for a tour together. And while he needed to split his body between NEWS and Kanjani8 for years, he's stayed with these idiots longer.

"Attachment issues? Well, that makes sense," Yasu says. "But why are you locked in this place? We've tried three times already, and it seems that you really can't get out of here. And we don't even hang out here that much, so it has probably nothing to do with the group. Is there anything here that we need to get rid of in this place? What's keeping you here?"

Okura suggests going through Ryo's things, taking them elsewhere to test Yasu's theory but Ryo objects immediately. "You're not going through my stuff and definitely not taking anything out of this house unless we're sure!"

Hina smiles. "What are you trying to hide, Ryo? Honestly, we won't mind seeing your stash of porn."

The rest of the guys burst into laughter for the first time. It's quite a relief. But Ryo's focus is on trying to remember where he put that box that he's never let anyone else see.

***

Before the crack of dawn, the members decide to take turns in staying with Ryo. The boy gets lonely easily, after all. Even if everyone's busy with their obligations, they're determined to make it work for as long as they can. It's the least of the things that they could do.

But just three days after, Yoko and Hina had to face everyone, including Ryo, to discuss something important. They need to make up their minds about the concert and the group's status ASAP. It's clear that the agency wants to let the five of them go on and conclude the tour. But it's Kanjani8 that needs to make the announcement.

And they need to be united to do that. The agency doesn't need half-assed, "we'll do our best." They need to give their all for real.

"But what are we going to do without Ryo?" Maru asks. Ryo knows it's going to boil down to this, but he chooses not to speak. Not yet. Not ever, if it's possible in this conversation.

"I was telling Ryo this before, but Yoko can probably play the guitar and drops his bongos instead," Subaru tries to break the silence. But it's a bad joke, and Okura's not having any of it. He doesn't even want him here. He's not supposed to be in this discussion.

"Or maybe we wouldn't have to have this meeting if you didn't leave, you know?"

That shuts Subaru up immediately.

"And now, Ryo's dead," he taunts. "Oh wait, he's here, but he can't be with us! He can't even leave this damned place. You know I've been wondering for days already, how fucked up things have been in this group since you left us. Maybe if you didn't leave, he wouldn't be dead now!"

Yoko mumbles but mostly to himself. He's saying that Okura needs to take his grief elsewhere and not start talking about ridiculous things to release his anger. But Subaru's not ready to back down. He just can't let this pass.

"How does that even begin to add up? Why are you blaming me? I thought we're over this and that it's fine that I'm here because I can see him, too?"

"Im blaming you because I can!" Okura stands up, ready to tackle Subaru but Ryo gets in the way.

"Okura" he starts, voice low. "I understand if you've still got an issue with Subaru-kun leaving. But don't you dare drag me into this."

Ryo looks at everyone, but none of them meets his eyes. "If you're all just waiting for another reason to disband or cancel this tour, then fine. Hell, I've also thought about quitting for so many years. But I didn't. Why? Because fucking love what we do. I was happy, and you're all I have. But if you're ready to move forward, then I'm not going even to try to change your mind now. But don't you ever dare pin this on me. I don't want to be your fucking excuse to leave so that you could exit gracefully."

When no one dares to speak, Ryo continues his monologue. "What I don't understand is why you're all getting so worked up on this? Why do we have to point fingers when it's not going to change anything at all anymore? Why do we even have to discuss this in the first place? Didn't I say before that we have no control? The contract binds you, and the show must go the fuck on no matter what, and that includes me dying. If you can't accept that, the door is just right there, and you all can leave."

Yasu's quick to stand up this time. "You're saying all that, Ryo-chan. And let's say you may be right— that we want out. But what if one of us is dead instead. What if I were the one who died on the table and not you. Would you honestly still be saying the same thing to us right now?"

Silence. All eyes are on him now. Ryo doesn't know what to say. So, he walks out and slams the door instead.

***

When loud music starts to play from Ryo's room, the rest of the guys decide to sit down. Okura's looking better. At least, he doesn't seem like he's about to break Subaru's neck anymore. And that gives him the confidence to talk again.

"Ryo doesn't want to be dead. I think that's clear to all of us. But he's right. It's not as if he can do anything about it. I know that I am not in the position to talk, but he mentioned this already. He wants you to do it. If there's one thing that's been bothering him the whole time, it's this tour."

"But that's stupid. The fans would understand! I know that!" Maru argues.

"It's not even about the fans now, Maru. Don't you see? It's about how you all guys gave your best and did everything you could for the past 15 years. He thinks that it's a waste that you're not continuing with him gone even when you can. This is the 15th year. It should just be all about fun and nothing else. It shouldn't end just like that. Ryo doesn't want you to make a decision that you'd probably regret in the long run. And from an outsider's point of view, I can't blame him. I know it's not easy, but please try and think about it hard. But aside from Ryo, try to think about what you really want to do, too."

***

Hina wishes he could have taken a photo of Ryo's face when they barged into his room to say that they're going to finish the tour. And that it's not because of him but because they want it, too. They want to properly thank all the fans who have been with them through ups and downs for the past 15 years. They say it's going to be hard. But they will do it, so maybe Ryo should stop sulking now?

His face is priceless. It's as if they just declared that they're going to bring world peace like real-life Eight Rangers. So, it's decided. They'll do their best and Ryo has to stick around to help them get through it.

It's the easiest 'yes' they got from him ever. They totally forget that he shouldn't even be here now and that they need to find more clues, but it's fine by him.

***

Subaru sticks with Ryo when the five guys meet with the management and make an official video announcement to send via Family Club e-mail. They also start making adjustments to make everything work and Okura's pretty pleased with how the whole group is working it out altogether. Tokyo concert-goers are going to have the best show of their lives. They want to make sure of that.

The group has worked around their schedules pretty well, too. Whoever isn't busy on a specific day would crash into Ryo's apartment, making sure he's never alone. Sometimes, they even spend the night altogether like girls having a slumber party in Ryo's tiny place. But they're enjoying it so much they feel like they're in their junior days again.

Everything seems to be going too well until the rehearsal for the revisions starts once again. What's left of Kanjani8 have to be together at once. But Subaru also has engagements for his new album. So, as much as they don't want to leave Ryo behind, they have to.

At first, Ryo pretends that he's fine, but just the thought of it makes him lonely already. He got used to being with any one of the members since he woke up to his new reality. That's why he says a silent prayer when Yasu promises to spend the night with him after their rehearsals.

But Yasu was so tired after the session that he forgot about it and went straight to his home instead. So, when he came back the next day, he knew he had to bring someone else.

"Well, I still have a key in case he's sulking again," Okura smiles and rings the bell. They wait for a minute or two until they decide to invite themselves in. But when he's about to put the key in, the door suddenly opens.

Ryo looks at them with a frown.

"Oi! Are you here to bring my phone? Because I've been looking for it since I woke up, but I couldn't find the damn thing."


	8. Puzzle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me. I'm just so tired of the rumors floating around I feel like trying to see Nishikido Ryo leaving Kanjani8 in a different light. This is fiction, anyway. Also, Ryo, "Please do not die. I hope you can sing for the rest of your life." Ha! Stole that from you!

Uchi doesn't spend that much time with Ryo or any of the guys anymore. Their story is from a distant past even though he still attends their concerts without them knowing. Recently, he had a quick chat with Yokoyama-kun. But that's about it. They may be in the same agency, but their lives are going in the opposite direction.

Same for Ryo. It's not like they drifted apart because of any personal issues. But it's been so long since they had no one but each other to annoy. Of course, over the years, they're bound to have new friends. Some people may stay, and some may go. But he wishes their friendship stayed as strong as it started.

He remembers Ryo's anger when he came to the studio to apologize to the group. It sucked, and it hurt. Ryo was stick-thin, but he knew how to hit hard. But when Okura shouted stop and he bit back with "You don't understand!" Uchi got it.

Ryo's right. Okura didn't understand how upsetting it was for him to get suspended. They worked so hard for what they had. And yet, he got himself in a place where putting it all to waste was as easy as drinking water.

Okura also didn't understand how Ryo must have felt being left alone when they were supposed to do things together. He didn't know how hard it was to juggle two groups between Tokyo and Osaka. How sleep-deprived and overworked they were.

At one point, Uchi didn't even know if he should be jealous or relieved, knowing that Ryo did it for eight years. But he never heard him complain. Not even once.

"He's here!" Okura announces as he pushes him forward towards the living room. There goes Nisihikido Ryo, looking at him with his sad, sorry, droopy eyes and Uchi can't help but burst into tears of joy.

Somehow, this place feels like home.

***

A decade later, Uchi and Ryo found themselves again in a situation where they have to learn things together. Uchi kind of feels bad that he only got invited to this party one hour ago when Yasu and Okura found out that Ryo's time practically stops when he's alone. But this isn't about him. It's about the clueless boy beside him who needs to recall everything that's suppose to have been okay for more than a week already.

Apparently, Ryo's already well-adjusted before they left. They made plans on how to dance around this situation. But one day is all they need to take everything away, and they all have to start over again. If Uchi has to describe this whole thing in one word, it's frustrating. He notes that he needs someone to fill him in later.

Okura mentions about how the futon being made up already when Ryo was in the shower when he arrived at the apartment both times. But Ryo casually explains how he woke up on the sofa with a pounding headache. That's when they knew that it's all they can get from him.

"I can't believe Ryo's this clingy. Even as a ghost, he gets lonely easily huh," Maru mumbles and finally, Hina smacks his head. He's so happy that Subaru saves the day and volunteers to stay with Ryo whenever the five of them really have to be out all at once. When Okura asks him about his debut, he immediately says that he can do something about it. But honestly, they all know that it's nearly impossible given there are 24 hours in a day.

They are not hypocrites; they're waiting for someone else to speak up.

"Well if it's not for Ryo-chan, I honestly wouldn't be here at all," Uchi says, and that's enough answer to satisfy the rest of the team.

***

On one of the days that Uchi and Ryo are stuck with each other, Uchi finds Ryo in his music room looking agitated. The guys told him that Ryo didn't want them to go through his things. What was he hiding?

"Ryo-chan? What are you doing?"

Ryo looks like a deer caught in the headlights when he realizes that Uchi is with him. "I don't know," he scratches his head, frustrated and flustered at the same time. "It feels like I need to find something, but I don't know where I can find it. I don't even know what it is!"

When Uchi steps inside the room in an attempt to help Ryo out, he says, "I can handle it! Don't touch my things!" a little too loudly. He belatedly realizes that maybe he doesn't have the right to speak like that to Uchi anymore, so he apologizes. Uchi takes a step back, though. He doesn't even bother to point out that a new bruise is forming on Ryo's left arm.

It's maybe after an hour when Ryo finally gives up and joins Uchi in his living room. Uchi tries to offer Ryo some drinks, but unlike with Maru, he doesn't explode. This is the first time they've been alone together since Subaru tries to be as present as possible. It feels kind of weird, and Uchi doesn't know how to start a conversation.

"Ne, Uchi," but Ryo does it for him. "Were you ever mad that you didn't get to come back to us?"

Uchi thinks about this hard. He's been out of the group for so long already. He doesn't think about it now as he did before. But was he ever mad, really? Maybe he was jealous a tiny bit. Kanjani8 was able to do so many things that he wanted to do after all. But, perhaps, the life they lead was not meant for him.

He explains that to Ryo, and he appreciates how the guy never tries to interrupt. Ryo only listens, and he listens carefully. As if he's savoring each of Uchi's words for him to understand what he's saying. It encourages him to tell him everything— how he feels from when they were younger until when they last met at Johnny's funeral. He doesn't forget to tell him how he's been so proud of Kanjani8, though. How inspired he has been with Ryo's work ethics and how it influenced him all this time.

When Uchi finishes, he catches a small but satisfied smile on Ryo's lips. "I'm glad. I tried to work hard for both of us. I've been holding on to the thought that one day we would be complete again, you know? But even though it didn't happen, I'm so happy and proud of what you've become."

Hearing that makes his heart ache. Just after Johnny, now he has to deal with Ryo being gone. It's hard. Because even though he and Ryo haven't talked like this for years, it doesn't make him dying hurt any less.

***

Yoko wasn't exactly happy when Hina asked to meet with him privately after the rehearsals. He's so tired, and he still needs to get something for his brother on the way home. But when the other laid down a few files on the table and made him read Ryo's reports from the hospital, he hated himself for being so self-absorbed.

"Uchi messaged me about this bruise on Ryo's left arm. I couldn't sleep well last night thinking about it. So, I asked his mom and got this," Hina explains.

Ryo sustained chest, arm, and head injuries from the accident. Okura already pointed out the bruise on his chest two weeks ago when they saw him for the first time.

"Does this mean that his real-life injuries are catching up on him? This doesn't look good."

Yoko's panicking, and Hina knows that because he's right. This doesn't look good at all. What happens when they see Ryo with a bruise on his head? Will he disappear on them? They're so busy doing everything for the concert and spending time with Ryo in between that they forgot that this would eventually come to an end.

So, even though they just cracked the code and got the clues they needed, Hina suggests to keep it from the others.

"Are you sure?" Yoko asks.

Things are starting to sink in now. Nothing lasts forever. Ryo has to go on even if he promised to stick around. But is it worth it not to let the others know? Not let Ryo himself know? Don't they all have to be ready?

"It's just gonna spoil the fun we're having, won't it?" Hina says. "I don't wanna get through the pain of saying goodbye thrice so let's just make sure we enjoy while he's here. If it saves the rest of the guys unnecessary heartbreak, I won't regret it even if they get mad."

Yoko isn't sure about this, but he agrees anyway.

***

They have finally reached the first day of the concert. Three weeks quickly passed by in between Kanjani8's rehearsals and spending time in Ryo's apartment as much as possible. The managers wonder why they have to pick up and fetch the members in his place all the time, but there's no telling. They can suspect all they want, but they'd never really hit the jackpot.

Now, Tokyo Dome is waiting for the new Kanjani8. There are media everywhere even though they're not allowing filming inside until the last day. Fans are getting interviewed about how they feel about Kanjani8 continuing the tour without the lead vocals and guitarist. Some people are crying. Some, bless their hearts, do the job of consoling.

Kanjani8 promised a concert of a lifetime, and they managed to do just that. Yes, with tears in between but they made it. Ryo has no idea what the hell they did to make up for his absence, though. On both days, they'd go straight to Ryo's place after the show. He never asked, so they never talked about it. But secretly, Yasu wants to tell him how happy he is that they're pulling it off. And it's all thanks to him that they didn't back out in the first place.

***

On the third and last day, both Subaru and Uchi stay with Ryo. Uchi's busy picking which concert to watch from Ryo's DVDs because the thought of missing all three performances in Tokyo seems unfair to him. But if Ryo can't go, he can't too, right?

They're all in this together. That's the plan.

Subaru finds Ryo in his music room again. He's holding some loose sheets from a box which he immediately covers once he sees him. Subaru tells him that they're having a watch party, but Ryo politely declines. Ryo's acting pretty weird today and Subaru wonders if he's feeling alright.

Somehow, he understands. The guys are concluding the tour today. They are performing without him. He, on the other hand, can never do that again.

Subaru watches as Ryo plays with his keyboards. He's fighting with himself about what words to say to encourage his friend, but Ryo beats him to it.

"Subaru-kun?"

"Hm?"

"Was it hard when you left?"

Subaru feels like something is piercing in his chest. Knife, dagger, whatever it is, it hurts real bad. He appreciates all the time he's got to spend with Ryo over the past weeks, but he hates to be the one Ryo has to speak to when it comes to these things. He can't blame Ryo for feeling down knowing that his bandmates are in Tokyo Dome right now, their home for at least twice a year for the last decade of their lives.

Still.

"You do realize that it was a different kind of leaving, don't you?" Subaru's words may be equally as hurtful as his question. But Ryo doesn't need sugarcoated words. He doesn't need to be babied right now.

"Yeah, I guess."

Ryo plays Snow White, the one he wrote with Yasu. Watching him, Subaru feels so proud of what Ryo's done in his short lifetime. From where he's standing, he thinks Ryo had a meaningful one — but watching him relish probably the last moments of it still stings. He knows Ryo's suffering more than he lets on.

If only there's anything Subaru can do to take the pain away.

"For what it's worth," he says "it was so hard leaving all of you."

Ryo nods. "Yeah. It was hard being left alone, too. I hated it. And I hate the fact that I have to do it to them, too. To all of you."

Subaru sighs. He's never really great with words. He never had this kind of serious conversation with Ryo during the many years they were together. But he needs to straighten some things up. "You know, Ryo," he starts. "Sometimes, it's fine to do what you think you have to instead of getting stuck in a place that doesn't let you grow anymore. We'll understand. You don't have to put others first all the time." Ryo looks up to him, knowing very well where he's going.

"Even if we want you here, we all have to accept that you now have another place to be. It's going to be hard, yes. And these three weeks is just a massive bonus for all of us. But this is also one of the few times when thinking only about yourself doesn't mean you're selfish."

Ryo doesn't respond to that. Despite how invested Subaru is in encouraging him to think ahead and not be let down of what's happening, he decides to talk about something else.

"Hey, I want to do something. Will you and Uchi help me out?"


	9. One Song

As if the group doesn’t need anything more to add to the pressure, Yoko suddenly receives a message from Subaru saying that he, Uchi, and Ryo are at the VIP section right now. They’re spilling the details later. But for now, Kanjani8 members have to make sure to do their best for their very important guest.

When the countdown starts, Ryo starts fidgeting. He’s nervous as hell. This is definitely different from watching an Eito concert on DVD. First of all, he’s not going to be there. And second of all, he doesn’t even know what to expect. He wonders how they adjusted everything to fix his absence.

Tokyo Dome’s lights turn off, and the fans scream and go chanting Eito. Then, as if some may not know already, Kanjani8’s history starts playing. He can’t help but feel the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes already. Especially when he realizes that it was updated to include his unexpected departure. To break the supposed epic introduction, they also added footage of the press conference. He didn’t know the members could cry that much.

He never really thought someone else would beat his close up in Kanjam that soon.

The screens turn black again. The band warms up, and the stage lights up a little. Then, Ryo sees Yoko, Maru, Okura, Yasu and Hina’s figures go up the stage.

They left his fucking spot unoccupied.

It’s late when he realizes how Okura goes on with his rap solo about him. His face is now on the screen. And he’s sure that this is footage from their Osaka performance.

_He’s my man, Nishikido Ryo!_

Ryo and Okura can't meet each other’s eyes because of the distance. But he sees it, how Okura points to his direction. Then he hears his own voice, talking about Yasu. Ryo hears himself in their next songs, too. And he notices how a part of the screen at the stage has been a permanent spot for him.

He’s singing with Eito. For sure, it took so much hard work to rip his parts out of the Osaka coverage, but they're killing it. He even hears his own flats and messed up lyrics. But he’s there. And he can’t believe it. He’s been singing with them in Tokyo Dome this whole time, and no one dared to mention it to him?

“This is awesome!” He hears Uchi comments. He’s still on a high until he realizes how Yasu’s stupidly doing Ice Cream all alone with Ryo on a video. He feels so embarrassed and thankful at the same time that it’s their unit’s repeat this year because only he could pull this off.

_But what if one of us is dead instead. What if I were the one who died on the table and not you. Would you honestly still be saying the same thing to us right now?"_

Yasu is truly amazing.

Ryo’s starting to get the hang of this revision. He’s even enjoying it because it’s quite cool. The members technically worked around performing live with his recorded voice and videos. He got to commend Okura for that, and he’s sure the others helped out with the last-minute changes, too. What he didn’t expect, though, is how the MC part of the concert is all about him. Eito knows he hates being at the center of attention, but the guys even have embarrassing photos of him to show to the fans. He writes a mental note to get back to the guys for doing that. But no, not really. He’d already done so much to torture them for a lifetime.

“For Ryo-chan!” Maru leads. The rest of the Tokyo Dome attendees raise their bottles and shouts “Kanpai!” He wonders if they’ve been doing that for the last two days, too.

When the MC ends, Yasu takes the basket of drinks, leading others to the backstage for the acoustic session. His guitars are there, too, including this seat. They even put his yellow water bottle. They amazingly go through the entire concert doing the same damn thing they did until Fukuoka and keep all his spots vacant no matter how weird the blocking looks like now.

The ending speeches play, and somehow, Ryo feels it had been ominous all along that they had this part recorded instead of talking live. The Ryo in the video apologizes to the audience for having it sound so formal.

The Ryo with them now apologizes for many other things.

The members come back on the stage again after changing their outfit to sing Saku, Ima. They’re supposed to get off the stage to prepare for the encore after that. But the confetti doesn’t drop, and instead, Ryo sees Maru and Okura helping out Yasu to set up the mic and guitar.

“This part is different from the first two nights,” Yasu starts speaking. “I’m not sure if we’re even performing this song ever again, so we saved this for the DVD filming today. Tonight’s special for all of us. I hope it is for you, too.”

The other guys line up, and Yasu sits down as he holds hugs his guitar. Ryo’s acoustic guitar is filling the space for him.

“This is the last song Ryo-chan and I made together. And it’s called Goodbye.”

Yasu’s giving him more credit than he should even though he only said that much. Ryo just helped out in finishing the chorus and change a few chords.

_I know, I’ll see you again soon._

_But for now, I have to say goodbye._

He sees himself on the screen once again— there’s a video montage of him playing, from his junior days to his days with NEWS and with Kanjani8. He sees his movies and dramas. It’s all him and the people he’s worked with during his lifetime. From time to time, a funny or cute snippet would pop up, and the place gets filled with laughter. But there are no longer dry eyes inside the dome. Not even until the video ends with his smiling face and the guys leave the stage.

“Why don’t you go down for the encore? Go upstage with the guys!” Subaru pretends to be whispering to Uchi who plays along with a nod. Ryo, however, feels hesitant. “Don’t you want to stand there with them for one last time?”

He thinks about it. Does he really want to? This is probably the biggest risk he’ll make. But he’s dead anyway. What else is there to lose?

Music starts playing again, and Yoko leads Naniwa Iroha Bushi.

“Let the media have a field day if they find out, Uchi!” Subaru says, singing along with Yoko.

Uchi comes back with a “Hell yeah! Let them be!”

That’s probably the only thing he needs to hear to come running from his where he's standing to the arena.

***

Ryo runs and runs. He doesn’t even know how he’s been able to get out of the house today when they’ve failed to do just that three weeks ago. But maybe, this is the reason why he’s still here. He needs to be able to finish the tour. He has to see with his own eyes that the guys will make it as long as they are together. It's vital for him.

Hitotsu no Uta plays. It’s the final song. He sees Okura sitting at the edge of the stage without his ear monitors. He’s always loved to hear the fans sing their part of the song. Yasu stays upright, looking up as tears stream down his face. Maru reads uchiwas and tries to do whatever they say. Yoko is singing to his heart's content. But Hina — Hina spots him at the bottom of the stage and gives him a wide smile. He whispers to the other members, and they take turns in looking at his direction one by one.

When the stage returns to normal, and they’re all lined up, Hina finally starts with his roll call. He thanks everyone for coming tonight and says how they owe 15 years of their careers as Kanjani8 to them.

Ryo couldn't agree more.

Hina instructs the eighters to hold hands while Ryo takes Okura and Yasu’s.

“We are the best! We are the strongest! Kanjani8!”

Everyone raises their hands, and gin tapes fall down the dome.

_Look at us more than those silver tapes!_

The band continues playing. Ryo hears it louder now. He feels like it’s never going to end until he feels five grown men forming a circle around him for a hug.

“People are going to think you’re all crazy,” he laughs.

“They already know that, alright.” Hina tsukommis him and pretend to have missed Okura’s head. It’s great that they’re all actors. They know they’ll get away with this even if the media gets weirded out.

The rest of the members give him a moment as they head to the backstage one by one. Everyone takes a turn in throwing out random words to make the emotional last day a little lighter, at least for the fans. But Ryo stays right in the middle.

He looks at the fans- smiling or crying, they’ve never looked this beautiful from the stage before. The penlights are still on, and fans are still waving their uchiwas. Ryo turns to his back and looks at the Takoyaki Band. He wishes he can say goodbye to them, as well as to the staff who had been with them all this time.

“Bye-bye!” Yoko, for some reason, is the last one to leave the stage this time. At least, as to how the fans see. Ryo takes it as a cue to come after Eito. So, takes one last look around Tokyo Dome, all 55,000 people who had come to see his band perform.

He bows.

And then he starts to walk away.


	10. Goodbye, Always

When the door of Ryo’s apartment closes, they’re finally free to ask what the hell just happened. Kanjani8 went straight to the shower after the concert and denied coming to the after-party the staff prepared for them so they could go home ASAP. It’s very unlikely of the group to deny booze, and they’ll probably get asked about acting that way tomorrow. But there’s no time to think about that now. The celebration they need should happen here in private.  
  
  
  
“We didn’t know either!” Ryo screams. “It’s just that, I suddenly felt like going. So, we tried to get our asses there. And we did,” he smirks, looking proud.  
  
  
  
“That’s Nishikido “I’ll do whatever I want” Ryo for you,” Okura comments and meets Subaru’s eyes. It’s awkward at first, but he flashes him a smile and mutters a sincere thanks. Ryo probably wouldn’t have been able to come to Tokyo Dome if it weren’t for him and Uchi.  
  
  
  
They are okay now.  
  
  
  
“Hey, have you been making fun of me during MC for the past two days, too?” Ryo asks, and Yoko smiles like the devil he is.  
  
  
  
“You have no idea, Dokkun. You have no idea.”  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
The guys spend the whole night drinking themselves to death. It would have been much better if Ryo has a karaoke, but he doesn’t. So, Yasu’s in charge of strumming the guitar while Yoko sings the parts of the songs that he never gets to sing on stage.  
  
  
  
“This feels just like the old times, you know? Somehow, I don’t even feel tired even though we just concluded a three-day concert,” Okura says, and Hina approves.  
  
  
  
“It was a great performance, by the way!” Uchi chimes in along with Ryo.  
  
  
  
At some point, Maru notices that they’re starting to run out of liquor. But instead of volunteering to go to the convenience store to get more, he suggests ordering ramen instead.  
  
  
  
“Ah! I wish I could eat that! But you know that last meal I had was so good. Why don’t you order from that restaurant, Maru? I think they’re still open at this time.”  
  
  
  
Ryo knows that it’s wrong to mention about that night the moment he said it. But it’s Maru’s fault for suggesting ramen! Hina tries to bring it up again, probably to apologize for not accepting his invitation. But he shrugs it off and changes the topic instead.  
  
  
  
“Do you remember when we used to play janken to decide who will be in charge of the bill? I used to borrow money from Okasan. I don’t even know if I’ve ever paid her back?” He’s mumbling now, even more than Okura usually does. But it’s pretty hard to bring back the lightness of their conversation now.  
  
  
  
The guys continue drinking in silence while Yasu starts playing ballads. Maru sees Ryo looking at something. But he can’t figure out what it is. So, when the delivery arrives, and Ryo stands up to help him prepare at the kitchen, he takes his chance to ask.  
  
  
  
“You keep glaring at something, Ryo-chan." When Ryo denies, he adds, "I’m not as stupid as you think."  
  
  
  
Ryo apologizes and turns to check if the others are listening before speaking to Maru.  
  
  
  
“I keep seeing this light since this afternoon, you know? It’s not too bright, but it’s there. It was there at the concert, too. And here. It's like it’s following me. Or attracting me. I don’t know.”  
  
  
  
Maru panics. “We need to tell them that!”  
  
  
  
Ryo lowers his head and says, “I know,” as softly as he can. When Hina comes closer and scolds Maru for using his bare hands to fix the noodles in their containers, Ryo quietly slips away and goes to his music room.  
  
  
  
Hina and Maru are still serving everyone’s ramen noodles and ordering them to get their own soup when Ryo comes out of his room, holding a box. He opens it and shows them the music sheets and loose papers he’s worked on over the years. He tells them how, at first, he felt like looking for something without knowing what it is. But today, he tried to go through his stuff again and saw these.  
  
  
  
Subaru points out that maybe those compositions are what’s keeping Ryo inside the place after all. That when he finally saw it, he’s able to leave the house. It makes much more sense for everyone now.  
  
  
  
Ryo fondly gives the box to Yasu, telling him that he doesn’t care what they do with it. But it’s his treasure, so he wants them to have it. “Only you can turn it into something beautiful, so I’m counting on you,” Ryo says it with such tone of finality that Hina can’t help but smack him in the head.  
  
  
  
Instead of complaining, he shows them a part of his forehead he was hiding with his bangs. There are deep but bloodless cuts covered with a bruise.  
  
  
  
“I also got this today. When the ones on my chest and arm disappeared, this shows up.”  
  
  
  
Hina tries to shut Yoko up, but he fails. Even without consulting him, Yoko blurts out what Hina figured out when he received a message from Uchi. He explains to them, and that gets everyone’s attention.  
  
  
  
“And you guys say all of these things just now?” Okura and Yasu ask in unison.  
  
  
  
Yoko stands up and says, “Now, please don’t get mad, you all. Hina was only thinking that it would have spoiled all the fun we’re having together, alright?”  
  
  
  
Ryo sighs but nods nonetheless. “They’re right! These three weeks have been the best. And I feel like it’s one of the reasons why I’m still here. Not just for the concert. Not just because of those music sheets. But to also let you guys know how much I enjoyed the company. I sound so sappy now, but I never had the chance to say that before. Or maybe I was just too full of myself. So yeah," he hesitates.  
  
  
  
"This is so embarrassing. But I know I’m going to seriously regret not saying anything at all when I already had the chance."  
  
  
  
This is probably the longest unscripted speech Ryo’s said in his lifetime. But somehow, he can’t stop himself from speaking.  
  
  
  
“I also need to apologize for causing trouble. Then until now. It must have been so hard to deal with my selfishness and all. But you didn’t leave me alone, that’s why I’m grateful.”  
  
  
  
“It’s nothing, Ryo-chan. That’s the Ryo-chan we love!” Maru assures him, and he shakes his head. No matter much how they downplay it, Ryo’s always been aware that he's the spoiled kid among the group. It never meant that he’s a bad person. But he is, well, unique and hard to deal with, and he’s okay with that.  
  
  
  
Ryo stays silent for a while until he realizes something.  
  
  
  
“If this bruise means that I only have a short time left. Would it be okay if I spend it with my family? I can go out now. I want to see them again even if they won’t see me. I know this is selfish of me again-”  
  
  
  
“Sure! We’ll come with you!” Uchi says but Ryo tilts his head.  
  
  
  
“Well, I kind of want to do it alone,” he confesses.  
  
  
  
Maru spits out a “But Ryo-chan!” but Hina’s voice is louder.  
  
  
  
“Hey! Hey! Hey! The ramen’s getting cold. Let’s eat before the noodles get soggy.”  
  
  
  
The members share awkward glances and continue preparing their food, purposely ignoring Maru's protests even though they share the same sentiments.  
  
  
  
“Itadakimasu!”  
  
  
  
Ryo gets his guitar and plays Scarecrow while the rest eat their ramen. The loud slurps of the noodles challenge his soft strumming. He tries to tune out the sniffles he hears even when he sees his friends’ tears falling on the same bowl they’re eating from.  
  
  
  
He wonders if their ramen taste any different with the added salt.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Ryo used to sleep when others do. He never really feels the need to do so. But he still has that ability, so he takes advantage of it to pass the time. But now, he watches until everyone sleeps. When he realizes the time and takes a peek at the neighborhood slowly coming to life. He walks around softly and takes one last look of his friends.  
  
  
  
He opens the door and leaves like a thief in the night.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Yoko gets awakened by a sound he doesn’t know if a part of his dream or from reality. He looks at his watch, and it’s just 5:30 in the morning. He tries to go back to sleep but finds it hard now. So, he gets up instead to check out if anybody else needs coffee aside from him.  
  
  
  
He counts in his head and immediately notices that someone’s missing. He tiptoes and checks each of his friends’ faces. Others parts of Ryo’s tiny house gets a visit, too. And Yoko doesn’t stop pacing until he admits that this is it.  
  
  
  
Ryo’s gone home.  
  
  
  
He sits at the dining area and waits for the others to awaken. Hours pass by until all of them finally decide to join the waiting game and stare at Ryo’s apartment as if nothing happened. It’s like he’s never even been here.  
  
  
  
But only the seven of them knows that all those three weeks were real.  
  
  
  
All members find it hard to move. They all seem to have no energy even to stand up, so they stay like that for hours. It’s pretty hard to accept, but maybe they also need to let Ryo go as much as he needed to let go of them.  
  
  


_I'll close my eyes and play a song for you_

_Goodbye is always after the tears_

  
  
  
If Hina’s phone is in silent mode, he won’t even bother to stand up and answer the call.  
  
  
  
“It’s Ryo’s mother.”  
  
  
  
Everybody perks up at that and stands up to hover around Hina. He answers the call and puts in on loudspeaker.  
  
  
  
“Murakami-kun! Finally! I have dreamt of Ryo! I could see his face. I could touch him! I can’t believe it! Is he still with you?” she sounds over the moon. And the guys can’t help but feel bad that a visit in her dream is all she’s got.  
  
  
  
When Hina says that Ryo’s been gone since this morning, they hear a shriek on the other end of the line. “So, he’s really here? I just woke up and had to call you. He wants me to tell you guys that he loves you all. And that he’s going to miss you. He also says he’s sorry that he’s too much of a coward to say goodbye. But he’s going to stick around here. He’s staying with us so you better not pay a visit since you’ve got more important things to do.”  
  
  
  
“Huh?”  
  
  
  
“I know what it is,” Yasu speaks up, smiling, his hand on Ryo’s box.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
It’s been a month since Nishikido-san has first dreamt of Ryo. Sometimes, he’d still visit her in her dreams. Those are her favorite nights, the nights where she gets to sleep well. It took his father some time to experience the same thing. But when he did, he woke her up crying, finally showing how he’s missing his son.  
  
  
  
Now, she’s waiting for the broadcast of Kanjani8’s press conference. There wasn’t any hint of what it is going to be about. So, she’s surprised when she realizes that for the first time, Johnny’s idols are directly addressing quitting and disbandment rumors.  
  
  
  
“Kanjani8 is not disbanding. We will move forward as a five-person band, and we hope that you will continue to support us from now on,” Yasu says. He’s smiling so much better now — all of them.  
  
  
  
Okura picks up his microphone. “We would also like you to watch out for the release of our 15th Anniversary Tour DVD on the first week of November. On December, however, we will be releasing a new album with Ryo-chan's unreleased compositions. It’s going to be called Stron8est.”  
  
  
  
The media starts an uproar, throwing questions leading to other questions. Nishikido-san smiles as she continues cutting an apple, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. Ryo always loved the fruits she used to put at the bottom of his bento box when he was a child.  
  
  
  
“Ne, Ryo? You’re not one to leave your friends behind, are you?” She still can’t see her son. But sometimes, she feels him embracing her and she decides that it’s enough. When she's alone, she'd speak to him as if he's just there beside her.  
  
  
  
“You had to stay until they finished the tour. And look at them now, ready to make it even bigger. Everything’s in place. And they haven’t even forgotten about you. I’m happy, Ryo. I am so proud of you.”  
  
  
  
The apple’s cut into eight pieces. She lays them neatly on a small plate, ready to put it at the bottom of her son’s photo in the butsudan.  
  
  
  
Ryo’s mother turns the television off, and she sees Ryo’s reflection aside from her. She turns around, and there he is, looking at her intently.  
  
  
  
"Arigatou, Okasan."  
  
  
  
Nishikido Ryo smiles and fades into light.  
  


  
  
  
  
*THE END*


End file.
